Scene: a company of characters from The Lord of the Rings are meeting at a local coffee shop for their monthly book club. Here’s what they order.

Frodo Baggins is first in line, ordering a small Dark Roast with a biscotti.

Samwise Gamgee immediately follows, “I’ll have whatever Mr. Frodo’s having” but quickly adds cream and sugar after realizing it would be a bit much for him.

Merry Brandybuck orders an Irish Cream Cold Brew with cold foam and cocoa powder sprinkled on top.

Pippin Took cheerfully orders himself the largest caramel Frappuccino known to man, elf, or dwarf. Extra caramel drizzle, add chocolate shavings.

Gandalf groans after having to stand in line behind Pippin this entire time, finally shuffling to the counter and sighing in exasperation, “Just tea, thank you!”. On a better day he might’ve ordered a London Fog.

Aragorn, after a difficult few moments of pondering his choice, orders the Cold Brew with agave.

Boromir shows up to the book club with a Gas Station Coffee, black. “I care not,” he boasts as he takes a sip (it tastes terrible).

Gimli orders a Cortado (equal parts espresso with steamed milk) with a little clove and cinnamon powder on top. When asked his name for the order he replies, “You give me your name coffee master, and I shall give you mine.”

Legolas requests a Green Tea Lemonade Unsweetened, then garnishes with a few sprigs of mint that he had brought with him.

Éowyn orders a Blonde Roast French Press with a splash of oat milk and one pump of hazelnut.

Faramir has brought his own homemade cold brew, made with beans he roasted himself as well. Everyone is very impressed.

Arwen orders a bittersweet Mocha latte, no whip.

Gollum is beside himself because the coffee shop doesn’t have any raw fish, doesn’t order anything at all.

Sauron, to the barista’s horror, insists on eating the coffee grounds. Sits alone in the corner.